Thought this up all by myself (don't tell me you can tell!):

Whenever you measure yourself using someone else's ruler, you always come up short.

Why I'm Thankful: As a secretary, I have far less responsibility and stress and make 13.4% more than I did at Bank of America. Less work, more money - life is beautiful. It helps that there are no people here like that uptight old lady from Atlanta who used to be my boss. Her name was Elaine (pronounced Eee-Line if you're from Georgia, as she was). Makes me a little naseous just thinking about it. I've thought of sending her a letter on the one-year anniversary of my dramatic exit. I would thank her for being the worst manager ever and forcing me (through her beaurocratic, red-tape, old fashioned, backwoods, lame-ass ways) to free myself from that corporate hell.

On a sign in a co-worker's office:

I leave my problems at home.
I have another complete set at work.

Not to sound like a Twin Peaks psycho, but…Agent Dale Cooper explained to Sheriff Truman that he gives himself a present every day. He doesn’t know when or where – he waits for an opportunity to present itself. Today, I gave myself the gift of taking it REALLY easy at work. I should thank myself.

I love K-Mart. I attribute much of this to my ice-cold feelings toward the Evil Empire (dba Wal-Mart). I am so sad about this.

Did I mention that Bank of America's online banking sucks and that NetBank is much easier to navigate?

Something in the water?

A woman knows when a man is just being friendly and when he is being friendly. Today , I have had not one, not two, but three such encounters. Hmmm....

The hospital does not observe the plethora of holidays I was accustomed to as a long-time bank employee. Imagine my surprise this morning when I learned that we will observe MLK Day on Monday.

Aaaaahhhhh.

blah.

Oh, for the touch of a vanished hand
And the sound of a voice that is still.

I don't remember who said it, but I love those haunting lines.

I am somewhat ashamed to admit how much of a sap I can really be. Take, for example, this new song by Enrique Iglesias. I don't really care much for him, but I was absolutely entranced when I heard "Hero" for the first time. A really good love song has the power to make you question yourself. Are these kinds of feelings sustainable? Songs. Movies too. When I was on my deathbed last week (may as well lay it on thick), I watched "The End of the Affair" with Julianne Moore and Ralph Fiennes. That movie makes a profound statement about the nature of love. I highly encourage you to watch it. (Brian, add Julianne Moore and Elizabeth Hurley to that list of women we discussed the other day.)

Here is part of the song...

Oh, I just want to hold you.
I just want to hold you.
Am I in too deep?
Have I lost my mind?
I don't care...
You're here tonight.

If you asked him, Brian would tell you I have highly questionable taste in music, so don't feel bad for not sharing my sentiments. I suspect, however, that he would tell you I have excellent taste in art and film, so maybe (?) that makes up for it.

And the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls

-Counting Crows

even better:
White Lodge Traits: Generous and warmhearted, creative and enthusiastic, broad-minded and expansive, faithful and loving.
Black Lodge Traits: Pompous and patronizing, bossy and interfering, dogmatic and intolerant.

This is too much. I am a Twin Peaks fan, but a Twin Peaks horoscope:

This Month's Horoscope:
The challenge for you Leo, is to communicate your thoughts, ideas, and feelings to your coworkers and the people you deal with on a daily basis. You may find yourself suffering from stress or work-related ailments, and will need some extra rest and relaxation time to get through the Fall. At the same time, you may find yourself with many new financial opportunities, a chance to build a better future or better working conditions, and any health issues you can face will likely be healed and ultimately bring you into a healthier state.

Hmmm.....

what it says:

Erik,
The Office of Philanthropy has recently received some donated items which may be appropriate for sale in the gift shop. We have two hand stitched plastic mesh tissue box covers and a stack of 5X8 (or so) BNI themed prints which may be sold as postcards. If you can sell them in the gift shop, that would be great. If not, do you have any ideas what we could do with these things?

Thanks,


what it means:
Erik,
The buck was passed to me by someone else; now I am attempting to pass it to you.

Thanks,

So Brian asked me to help write complaint letter to his (would-be) dentist:

Dear Doctor Lameton and Staff,
As a long-time human being with teeth, I have had much experience with dental professionals. In all of these years, I have never experienced the level of apathy and inefficiency that I have with your office. I expect normal delays in returning phone calls and availability of appointments; however, I am not (nor are most people) accustomed to having to make four calls to schedule one appointment. Your office staff lacks even the most basic customer service skills required when returning phone calls. Their behavior coupled with the voice mail maze one must traverse in efforts to buy services from you was the last straw.
I can not fathom how you manage to stay in business with this type of office protocol. Are there that many people out there who refuse to assert their power to choose in our capitalistic society? Perhaps not. I can assure you; however, that I have chosen. As a customer, I do not shop in stores that can not service me, nor will I patronize the office of supposed medical professionals with no visible concern for the patient experience.
I would have called you directly, but...

Brian says he doesn't answer when I call him "Brain."

Today, I am typing up a contract (which is exactly the mundane secretarial type thing I prefer to do at work) regarding a live webcast of a neurological procedure. Every time I try to type the word “brain,” I end up typing “brian.” All this due to Wanda Kuykendal from Weatherford, Oklahoma. When Brian and I were in college schlepping away our nights and weekends at the Evil Empire (dba Wal-Mart), our half-wit personnel director, Wanda “Bad Karma” Kuykendal consistently misspelled Brian’s name (“Brain”) on the weekly work schedule. To this day, I call him Brain to which he answers.

In a Seinfeld-esque way, Wanda “Bad Karma” Kuykendal is decreasing my productivity at work some seven years later.

Greetings from the Mysterious Beyond!

Last week, I was SO sick. Aside from fun things like childbirth and wisdom tooth extractions, I have never been so sick. Doc said if I didn't feel better quickly, I needed to go check myself into the hospital. Fun. Needless to say, I pulled through.

My mom is dating again. It's so, um EW to see your mother act like a flirty teenager. My sister told me my mom and her boyfriend were indirectly referring to how much "fun" Monsters Inc. ice cream is. That's just wrong. 1) I don't want to hear about my mother and her boyfriend frolicking with ice cream and 2) It's named after a children's movie and 3) It's named after a children's movie she took her grand children to see.

Got invited to Hawaii this summer. I think Hawaii and similar locales are more appealing to the more physically fit. How come they make t-shirts and lame ass pins that say things like "age is a frame of mind" but they don't make them that say "physical fitness is an illusion". Like my mom and the ice cream, it's just not right.

I just finished a scrapbook of my college trip to Mexico. All those photos of Mexico City....I need to go back. I was SO unable to appreciate it when I was 19. Back then, I wasn't as interested in Mexican art as I am now, so I know I'd enjoy myself more this time around. My Spanish is also much better than it used to be. That's a plus. Maybe I'll take Brian. His Spanish is so...well, so very Brian.

Looks like I am as lax in keeping up with this blog as I am in maintaining communications in my journal.